When I was young I sought to go as far outward as I could go inward, and found myself transfixed in a state of blissfull anxiety that consumed my ability.
Experience led me to so many different states, situations, seamless transitions from profit to poverty. I tried about every drug you can, and none of them was the way for me. But some of them did, and still do me good.
I tried twelve step recovery, for the wisdom, the comraderie, the companionship and the cheap housing. It was told to me by a wise young psychologist doing cognitive behavioral therapy and psychoanalysis with me that, with my three years clean, the 12 steps, in absolute abstinence, absolutely was too extreme a path.
My family excommunicated me intermittently, along with believing my crimes, rather than my actual innocence, and kept the real nurturing to themselves and their core family unit.
Stability has been rare in my life, and I suppose you can really chalk that up to money. Something I have yet to piece together an answer to.
I have a wife now, and have been with her raising our special needs daughter for near 12 years. 12 of the happiest years I'll ever know.
The seven year itch chased me to Venice, California for 4 months in a brutal separation that ended in me coming home over 100 lbs. lighter, and in need of sowing some real healing.
I am hopeful, in 2024, to be able to find and get my career back on track. These websites I have built have been for me a real lesson in self examination, and the real truths that speak for my story. I pray my abilities will not go on unnoticed.
January 10th 2024
Start of my New Years 2024 resolutions...
No more:
● Smoking
● Energy Drinks
● Porn
● Blogging
I had to incrementally decrease all of these to prove to myself that I could sanely pass on to total abstinence, though if in an emergency to cope with relapse (not always bad) without pride or remorse for the betterment.
● Smoking is taking its toll on my lungs.
● Energy Drinks make me feel worse, and are bad the way I've treated my use of them.
● Porn is the cause of degradation of the lives of many, even up to and including sexual slavery. It depraves healthy sexual life and opens people up to psychological and social disfunction and other risks. I do not practice viewing porn, really, but do feed in to the things in my internet app feeds. I guess that's as easy as "don't go there". No more.
● My blogs are here to stay as is; they are paid until mid 2025. For now, no more. Perhaps for good.
● Continued abstinence in "common sense" from alcohol and moderation in hemp products as per success in 2021/22/23...
● Staying with my shrink and med compliance as per 2020 - present.
● No other drugs, lol.
I have little left to say. The books left unfinished here, will remain forever incomplete. The screenplays will never be sold or filmed. The stand up will never be performed. The lyrics will never get their music. The music will never get its production. The art will never get shown or sold. All of it will remain as it is now.
I don't talk to my mother, haven't for years. My ex adoptive father (Brooks) either. My siblings are on an avenue I'd rather not travel to ever again. My son is a part of their group, and so now, at 18 years of age without ever being allowed a relationship with him, I won't have it.
I live on from here having made my story an open blogger tell all. I said it all as I found fit. Fit as someone who will not be, in the end, a victim to an abusive system, a disillusioned family, and punishment not befitting me. I never assaulted anyone (ok once, but I bought the next rounds), let alone killed anyone. Never sold drugs, never helped anyone O.D., never raped anyone, never stole, only gave of myself, even to the point of exposing my story openly with all of its mistakes.
Is it over for me? No. Only beginning.
But it is over for this chapter of my life, and perhaps Ozenoz Media.
Goodbye fair reader, my teachers. Remember when you are here, each corresponding piece of my history recorded here, was by my own hand, and only me. That's all, for now. We'll see.
Until We Meet Again.
Adieu.
Shalom.
(Peace.)
I'm out.
J.E. Ayers Brooks
01/11/2024
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