Ilu22JustkNOw143
Clicking on the top image of these posts will journey you further and further through the truth, through multiple stories and their many facets...
Dear Rosalee,
The end has come. I am not happy.
I do what you want, when you want, all the time, and you ask all day and all night. Then you tell me I am not doing anything, that it's all put on you. I want to return to work, have for years, but you will only allow it on your terms, your hours.
Our daughter doesn't even like me anymore, she has been conditioned not to.
I do what you want for me to do. I eat what you want to eat. I drink or don't drink what you want, and if not it's all bad on me. I watch what you want to watch. I listen to you talk ten fucking hours a day. But if I talk, I am "manic". You talk about, revisit your past all the time, but if I do, I'm "living in the past". When I went back to work, it was "inconvenient" for you.
All throughout this relationship I have been me. I am a writer, actor, comedian, musician and an artist. You have never supported my efforts. You don't even look at my work. At all. Over a decade of toxicity put to the test for me.
Despite, I have chosen you and our daughter and choked down when you disbelieved me, or my stories, called me "ill" or "deluded". It's adequate to say I am more than unsatisfied.
How could I think I would fit with someone who hates concerts, shows, theater, opposes the very idea of me following my dreams for me?
You have instilled in our daughter that "Dad" doesn't work, is lazy, incompetent to measure up to anything she should look up to. She'll never view me in a good light as I would want my daughter to.
I'm sick of spinning my fucking wheels.
We never kiss. We aren't intimate. We never have heart to heart talks. For years.
You speak of getting the American dream. But hold no credit that I can help get us there.
Stuck.
I am going to take my chances on finding happiness elsewhere and in my career.
You would say "What career?!"
And that's just how I will remember you.
I'm not going to serve you by only doing what you desire anymore.
You can keep your fucking insults and disinterested slander.
I don't need it.
Goodbye.
Where am I going? Far away from here.
So now you can have it your way. I'm sure that will make all of you happy.
And so on this day I get to write you a heart break letter.
I've known I was losing you for quite some time now.
I've gone through so much with you, but you deserve so much better than me. The world is your oyster, may you find all of it in pearls.
I don't want it to be over, but I can't stand ruining your potential happiness anymore.
There are times I wish for more, and I will always wished it could have been for you, but I guess this is the way it goes.
Take for instance, the fact that I am lying here crying five feet from you, and you don't even care to notice.
We almost made it real, huh?! Almost.
I am holding you and our daughter back from a life with someone I am sure you will find. Someone to provide for you what I never have.
I wish I could.
That time is past, you already act so numb to feelings towards me so much, I won't be able to stay around to watch you break my heart anymore.
I'm sorry, but I can't do it. That's why I lost you they'll say.
I came from the streets, and now I will return to them.
"Vita est morte, est vita."
Memento Vivere.
The last straw to me was the blindness with which you handle my hopes and aspirations for my career life. You don't support them at all. Not even when I have demonstrated worlds beyond what needs to be in my skill set to have a professional life that will bring me wealth, prosperity, happiness, and fulfillment.
If that's the way it is, then what do we have to look forward to?
Enjoy your life "trapping" someone else in the world you alone are allowed to contribute to in complete disregard for the partner you "love".
You have said "I love you" of your own volition I bet you less than 100 times in eleven years. That means you would have "initiated" it, and meant it, for me to know - that's less than ten times a year.
I will now go on the daunting adventure of making my own life improvements. Away from a daughter who abuses her priveledge (always will), and you, the woman who settled for the "tramp" she thought she could own.
No Regrets,
All of My Well Wishes.
Joel
P.S. If you don't get it yet, this is a letter of my own feelings of inadequacy, and doubt that I can measure up to a "successful" relationship. It was written four years ago, and dredged out, and reinvented at those times when I felt hurt by things, I assure you, magnified by my bi polar. Not that we don't have some problems at times, but I love this woman, "More Than (these) Words".
P.P.S. If your reading this Rosalee, I can tear it down if you wish, Hell I'd tear it all down if you wanted. It only exists here for you, to show how much we've come through, and so I say... I love you.
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